Chat with Lisa- after we wrestled and she left suddenly 6/3

lost most of the conversation- basically she left cos she was upset/angry but wouldn't tell me why. she all but admitted it was something i'd done- I think it was when she said 'u just like being on top of me' when we were talking about the wrestling, and i sorta jokingly said- well yea. I tried to get her to talk about it but she sort of admitted it was my fault she was upset but that it was her problem. She then went on about swimming and we were all set to go- but then she backed out, it didn't seem like she was annoyed with me at all though. Which surprised me especially after she was reluctant to go go swimming with me earlier in the day because I'd check her out- but now she was really up for swimming :S. Annoying that I lost most of the convo cos I want to work out what I've done wrong.

You would laugh at me

if u want company anyway

iv seen russel swim- there is nothing less dignified

kinda wanna go gym instead

besides u get to laugh at my hairy back

ive seen it before

so has everyone aparently

yeah and i aint laughed at u

althogh according to justine its something special when its wet

ud b the only one then

well if u wanna go we'd have to leave soon (if im invited)

for which swimming or gym

I'd MUCH rather go swimming

today at least

not in so much of a gym mood

lol i am so bad ar swimminh

does it really matter? Ur not competeing

yeah but you know how much does it cos5?

i think with a student card it was £2

or £1.50

i cant remmeber

prices might not be the same at 8pm lol

alright well ill go look for swimming stuff

do u know where ur stuff is? iv got my shorts right here

lol no i dont know

ima look

do you know how long it takes to get there?

same as walking to walkabout

just up from there

oh man

so like half an hour?

nah nowhere near 15-20

mhmmm ok ill find swimming stuff

ill have to go bank btw

same

its on the way tho

uhuh

ready when u are

not sure that swimming is the best choice due to the cut on my leg

if anything itl clean it

no

it will damage

it

oh i wanna go now

clorine and other peoples crap

ummm i think justine might have some anti-septic cream, put that on when u get back

no

i dont put anything on

im allergic to most things

so shower when u get back?

or do u not want to go now

9:18pm

OIOI

almost done

Chat with Lisa- after she seemed upset, we then went for a walk for a few hours

February 22

3:10am

i cba to work actually

im going to bed

3:11am

ah really

ah ok :/

3:11am

good luck with the work

do u want a wake up call?

3:12am

yeah dont let me sleep past 12

3:12am

kk

nite

3:12am

ahhh

sad face

nitenite

3:13am

lol y sadface?

(bettter not be the spot)

3:14am

no

just i wont have anyone to tlak to now

3:14am

im not good conversation when im drawing anyway

or when im tired

3:14am

so

3:14am

im doing both badly lol

3:14am

its dull on my won

own

GAHAHAHAHAHA

i dont wnat to goto be

3:15am

what u doing now?

3:16am

was thinking of going to make tea

and do work

but need help

3:16am

u were thinking of doing some work? lol

3:17am

yeah i was bout to get up and pick up a book :O

3:17am

do it then#

but yea- im off to bed

tired

3:17am

ah ok

3:18am

once u realise ur tired it really hits you

cya 2moro

dont stay up to late

3:18am

ahhh ok

3:18am

night

3:19am

ahhh night

12:36pm

you doing your work

12:36pm

ummm

are you?

12:37pm

yeah am about to but it si so much effort...!!!

12:37pm

yea

thats y its called work

12:37pm

lol yeah i know

well i suppose i better hop to it

12:38pm

yup im off to town in a min

12:38pm

ah ok

12:38pm

only b an hour or 2

12:38pm

are you doing work when you get back

12:38pm

thern il come back and work together?>

12:38pm

yeah sure

but i wanna do it in my room as i need laptop

(too much effort to try and move it

12:39pm

to much effort to pick up a laptop?

but ok

12:39pm

yeah it dies in 1 minute without being plugged in

12:39pm

ah

that is anoying

12:39pm

yeah

i know :/

well right i will do work i want to do 1000 words today hopefully

12:40pm

alright

thats doable

u strated reading?

12:40pm

i hope so

i think i might write bits of each paragraph then add to them with my reading

12:41pm

ok so if ur doing it that way..

150 words done by the time i get back?

12:42pm

mhmm yeah ok i can have a go at that let me tell you how much i have now so i dont cheat

12:42pm

kk

12:42pm

167

12:42pm

alright so 317 by the time i get back

ok im off now

have fun :D

12:43pm

ok byebye

2:09pm

you back yet

2:40pm

u typing?

2:42pm

no

February 23

2:25am

go to bed?

2:25am

umm not yet lol

2:25am

sigh

alright well i am going to

night night

xx

2:26am

kk cya

8:21pm

hiya

February 24

Lisa Marie is offline.11:43pm

11:49pm

hi

Lisa Marie is online.11:49pm

11:49pm

hey

whats up?

11:49pm

nm just listening to music

11:50pm

right

cos u sounded kinda upset?

11:50pm

im fine

11:50pm

sure?

11:50pm

why wouldnt i be

:D

11:51pm

i dunno

just seemed like it

nevermind

11:51pm

when?

11:51pm

on the phone

and in the hall

11:51pm

lol i was a bit tired on the phone

think i might go for a walk

11:52pm

want company?

11:52pm

loud music fresh air always good

i probably wont be talking though :/

11:53pm

lol loud music?

11:53pm

yeah from my headphones

11:53pm

yea i gt that part

11:53pm

alright i lie i am a bit upset

but i dont want to talk about it

11:54pm

i wont ask u to talk about it- but can u at least give me a hint at whats up?

or i will worry

11:54pm

nothing for you to worry about

im just sad at nothing basically

ive not really got a reason apart from silly selfish reasons which surface occastionally that shouldnt

my own problems it aint anything major

so no worries ok?

11:55pm

i bet theyr not really selfish

u just think that wayt

11:56pm

nah they are

just need to cry it out or something

just down

dont like it angry face

11:57pm

please dont shut me out

ur not sad at nothing

theres something

11:57pm

I am not shutting you out

11:57pm

even if u dont think its an issue

11:57pm

I told you I was upset

thats more than I usually do

its not bad honest

11:59pm

ok and thats good

11:59pm

im just i dont know how to explain it

11:59pm

but i just wanna help

11:59pm

i know

and you ar4e

so

how are you

12:00am

haha wer not talking about me

dont chsnge the subject

nice try tho

12:01am

what else is there to say

I am ok noe

*now

:D

12:02am

really?

12:02am

mostly

:D

do you ever get sad for no reason?

12:02am

all the time

12:03am

it just that

letting people in works both ways remember

12:03am

ok i get that

what do u mean?

12:04am

you never tell me when your down

i want to help to and you shut me out all the time like i am not needed

sorry

uncalled for

sorry

12:04am

no its a fair point

there is more i could be open about

12:05am

lol we are both broken

12:05am

oh so fucked

thats y were cool

12:06am

like ice baby

ICE ICE BABY

12:06am

oh god

please dont do that again

12:06am

ahhhh

why not

:?

we be cool

12:07am

ok maybe a little then

12:08am

yaayyayaya

honestly though you dont need to worry

there is nothing i cant handle on my own

12:09am

ok

just you know that you dont need to

12:09am

uhuh

maybe

12:09am

y maybe?

12:10am

somethings i think are better left to yourself

such as self concious issues

:D

12:10am

if ur sure

just as long as they stay small issues

12:11am

what would you consider a big issue

12:11am

i dont know

anything

its just how much it bothers you i guess

12:11am

nah nothing bothers me that mcuh

12:12am

so only keep it to urself as long as you can handle it

12:12am

i will

12:12am

no matter how silly it seems

12:12am

ok

you too

12:13am

ok

there is something thats been getting to me

12:13am

whats that

12:13am

trying the whole sharing thing

this isnt something anyone knows about

and prob wont seem like a big thing to you

12:14am

ok

shoot

12:15am

at home my mum has a library of books about how to deal with autism

it was pretty devastating the 1st time i found it

before i was 16 i didnt really know exactly what was wrong with me

and of course cos autsim is so closely connected with self confidence- that kind of shattered me

its only coming here thats kind of let me have myself back- if that makes any sence

anyway thats just background

12:17am

ok

please continue

12:18am

i was flicking through comics and stuff on saturday and sort of came across a whole bookshelf or books with on how to deal with me

that i hadnt actually seen before

i thoguht id have a flick through and see kinda what they were about

(always a mistake)

opened up the front page

and the books didnt belong to my mum

that set- theyr all my grandmas

12:21am

you know you can come up and talk about it if you want (carry on though)

12:22am

me and her have always been really close- she makes no secret that im her favourite grandson

12:22am

although i find this better

12:23am

although i really suspect its actually my bro

yea i find it easier to type than talk

(she was a special needs teacher so used to be the only person who could actually get a converstaion out of me back when i was little)

12:24am

it shows she was trying

my nan forgot when i was 18

then sent a £!0

then my cousin turned 12 and brought her crap loads of stuff for WELL over a tenner

i would say bout £150 worth of stuff

she was like oh your 18 now are you

12:25am

man thats harsh

i think they tried to make a big thing of my 18th

but i didnt really let them

12:26am

butthey care

you should be happy they care

cause as far as i can tell they really care and want to make you happy

and to be accepted

im kind of jealous to be fiar

sorry kinda butted in there

12:28am

oh i know how lucky i am to have family that i feel so close to- my issues here are entirely selfish

anyway so at 1st i was a little sad that shed actually read these at all- shes one of VERY few people iv ever known that i felt an actual connection to

then it sort of hit me on another level

she might not have read these books for me

my grandad has the same condition i have- but he was never diagnosed

hes sort of my inspiration

hes had an extremely sucessful life

hes done all these amazing thing- been all over the world- has a great family

im SO often told all the things i cant do, its brilliant just to look at him and see i do have hope

12:32am

of course you do

12:32am

that i have got a shot of a normal future- becasue a lot of other things tell me differently

12:32am

nah you do

12:33am

but i hate the thought that he still struggles with it

it really upsets me when i see him have trouble with things

12:33am

yeah but he has done all those things in spite of it

that is good

just shows that he has never let it get to him

like you shouldnt let it get to you

is there more?

sorry keep butting in

12:34am

it does- he has had the most amazing life

thats sort of it yea- i found a book and it upset me

actually brought it back with me

12:35am

really

12:35am

been reading it

it might help me

its sort of an autobiography from a person with my condition

but i see myself in pretty much every page

12:36am

so long as it helps

12:36am

its quite hard to read without getting upset

but i figure realising my problems might help me work on them

12:37am

so long as it helps you

12:37am

bt so far im only on page 23 lol

12:37am

lol a few to go then

12:38am

so be fair its a crdeited text documenting the conditon- so if u have a disability module you could reference it

12:38am

oh well thats good

12:39am

i was just sort of looking at it and thought of how it is just basically one of the books ud use or ur course

so yea thats all i have to say on that for the moment lol

12:40am

:)

12:40am

sorry for the essay

12:40am

thanks for sharing

its ok

12:41am

once u start typing u kinda get into it lol

12:41am

yeah :)

12:42am

sooooo.. how the work coming? lol

12:42am

its not

im just calming myself

12:43am

with loud music? lol

12:43am

yeah

12:43am

what ya got on?

12:43am

linkin park

12:44am

i always find happy sort of songs cheer me up

(hence y there so many on my ipod)

heavier songs just keep me in the mood

i used to find linkin park brilliant for drawing to

12:45am

you can come up and do work if you like

i should be doing work

:/

or we could go walk but id have to get dressed( havent put a top on yet)

12:46am

lol y are u topless?

12:46am

to hot

12:46am

not like the days just started

lol most poeple just open thier window

12:46am

might go for a fag if you want to join

12:47am

sure i like the idea of a walk

just.. not to far

12:47am

meh

ok ill change and pee

12:48am

kk i need to find my ipod lol

put it down somewhere

12:50am

floor/bed

12:50am

back of bed lol

12:52am

see you at stairs in 3

12:52am

k say on here when ur just about to leave